It won't be incorrect to say that we, Mothers, are a confused lot. The basic woman instinct is really well known- for they say, "Nobody knows what women want." Add to this confusion, a baby- a part of her soul and blood. The choice only gets more difficult. The confusion starts right after these little cherubs are born- where our tired bodies scream for rest, while our heart and soul is stuck with this little wonder. Leaving him for a minute feels like ripping your heart and keeping it out for a second. What do you think is Postpartum Depression? It's your mind fighting with your heart leaving you all fuzzy and confused about the choices you need to make.
Just when you think a battle is won and you are starting to trust some people with him, starts the next battle- joining back work. Here you were applauding yourself for finally being strong, for being the mother you should be, and tadaa- you are at the next level of difficult choices. The choice sometimes is between the perfect routine for your baby and a new role that requires you to work late nights or early mornings. At times, it is between an office meeting/ outing and an extra hour with your baby. I can still never choose between this one, the most common and the most difficult- "The cab's here Ma'am." and "Amma, pillow fight! Yayyy Dishum..."
I feel if someone were to peep into a mom's heart, all they would find is questions, "Why is he growing up so fast?" "Is he too independent?" "Am I being too strict?" "Am I giving in too much and covering for my guilt?" "Will he be like me- inherit my imperfections?" "Am I giving him enough time? Has he gotten used to being without me?" I still remember the heartbreak I had when my son, all of a year old, asked me if he could sleep with Gramma.
The confusion, the fight is so much sometimes that you feel completely lost and isolated. The only thing that keeps you sane in those moments is your child.
When I come home after work, the way Anshu excitedly shouts, " Anshu's Amma is here!" makes me forget the long hard day I had without him. The way he would spend the first few minutes, not saying anything, but just hugging me tight and feeling the warmth, is a realization that he missed me as much as I missed him. The way he fills me in with every detail of his day, I know he wants me to feel like I was a part of those moments. During a busy play date with his Gramma, when I suddenly catch him searching for me and our eyes meet, there is a joy we both have in our eyes. That assures me that no matter how little time I spend with him, he's got me covered. I am and will be his Mom.
And may be... just may be, I am doing an okay job of being his Mother. That may be, the choices I made are just right for him- for us. That may be, one day, he will grow up to be this imperfect man, who would embrace his imperfections to live an imperfect but happy life.. just like his Mom. P.S. Happy Mother's day! Cheers to being a Mom!
- Santoshi Nair.